


Millions of Pieces, Pick Me Up

by cadkitten



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol, Anal Sex, Angst, Blood Drinking, Demon Blood Addiction, Drug Use, F/M, M/M, Resurrection, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-23
Updated: 2013-06-23
Packaged: 2017-12-15 21:06:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/854050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As far back as I can remember it was always the same. When I’d wake up in the dead of the night with some nightmare or other, you would be there. You’d be there to hold my hand until it all went away, be there by my side as I grasped your shirt in pure terror. Even when we grew up, when we grew apart, if I was having a bad day and I just needed someone to care... you were always, always there. And when we came back together, when the hunts started and you took me under your wing so I could re-learn the ways of the road, you were there. In the dead of the night as I lay awake, exhaustion creeping into the edges of my mind, but unable to sleep, you were there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Millions of Pieces, Pick Me Up

**Author's Note:**

  * For [myrithil](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=myrithil).



> A commission from ACE.  
> Song[s]: "...Lost in thought" by Phantasmagoria (seriously, look it up http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3JtbfscFGY )

As far back as I can remember it was always the same. When I’d wake up in the dead of the night with some nightmare or other, you would be there. You’d be there to hold my hand until it all went away, be there by my side as I grasped your shirt in pure terror. Even when we grew up, when we grew apart, if I was having a bad day and I just needed someone to care... you were always, always there. And when we came back together, when the hunts started and you took me under your wing so I could re-learn the ways of the road, you were there. In the dead of the night as I lay awake, exhaustion creeping into the edges of my mind, but unable to sleep, you were there.

But what really killed me were those long nights when you weren’t there. The recollection of this time brings me to utter pain. My life falls to shambles around my ears and there’s no one to pull me back from the ugly pit I have created. You always told me I needed you and I believed it, but not nearly enough. I needed you more than I ever fucking knew and it rips me apart that in those final moments... that was the only time I could really let you know how I’ve felt since I was sixteen years old... the reason why I left for college and pulled away from you for so long.

I remember telling you that I loved you and you returned it with a passion you’d never done before. And then I explained... I told you how I loved you, explained to you that I cared about you in a far less brotherly way for so many years. Even as I held myself accountable for what was happening, for the demise of your soul, I knew that nothing could change what was about to happen, but that I’d damn near try. And in those moments, away from any prying eye, you kissed me like you’d never done before, not even on the most horrible of nights. You kissed me like a lover kisses a lover, and it crushed my heart into a million pieces.

There were those fragments of my heart that I did my best to pick back up, to place in some semblance of a pattern. But the truth of it is that I never could. I wasn’t any good at putting myself back together and instead... I feel apart. Further apart than you’d ever known.

I fell in with the wrong sort of girl, I let her bend me and manipulate me, and I gave her all that she ever needed in the world to crush me. All the while, I knew what I was doing, I simply didn’t care. My life was worthless without you. As if a simple piece of trash, dancing on the wind... worthless. Do you see the depth of my despair? The hole deep within me that could never be filled by anyone other than you... a wealth of agony.

Even as I partook of the finest drug that has ever been known, I realized I was only compensating for your loss. I was only replacing you with the one thing that brought me the feeling that I could overcome whatever was thrown my direction. An illusion, of course, but nothing more than you’d ever done to yourself each time you partook of those pills from your pocket or the flask at your hip. You drowned in a bottle of whiskey and I drowned in the blood of another. Maybe you’d never understand the lack of a difference, but the similarity was nothing more than the blatant truth.

And then... well... and then you walked back into my life. You just knocked on the door one night and there you were, just as clueless as I was as to how you came to be once again. The sight of you hurt me more than you’ll ever know. I’d given up hope for you, Dean... I’d stopped trying to resurrect you. Nothing I did could bring you back, no matter how hard I tried, no matter who I killed or who I tortured. No matter the spells I performed, no matter the amount of demon blood I drank... you simply wouldn’t come back. And so I gave up. I lost all hope and surrendered myself to a life of hatred and hell. Not a hell like yours... but a hell nonetheless.

It took me a week to properly look you in the eyes and nearly two months from there to admit to what all I’d done in your absence. And by the time I finally was willing to talk to you about my emotions, you were already there, already pushing me down on the bed of our shared hotel room, stripping me of my clothing. Your lips crushed to mine like a prayer answered by God himself. As much of a sin as it was, it was the sweetest sin I have ever – or will ever – commit. My hands rid you of your clothes just as fast as you removed mine, my fingers exploring faster than yours, my touches greedier, my body more impatient than yours. Any urgency you had was born of the months without relief, but mine was born from years of frustration at never being able to properly express myself to you, of having to look away when all I wanted was to stare, of having to pretend it didn’t hurt me as you fucked every girl in your vicinity with the ease of a professional while I nursed another beer at the gradually emptying bar.

I tasted you like a starving man laying hands upon his first meal in a week. I touched you like a man without nerve endings had just had them restored. And I took you into me just as I’d always imagined I would... with the ease of a body built for another. Nothing had ever felt more right to me than the moment that you sheathed yourself within me. Even as my legs tangled with yours, my long limbs trying so hard to get in the way, I realized that nothing could stop us, nothing could rip us apart. Even death seemed loathe to accept us for long, the forces of the universe colliding us again and again, in much the same manner your hips slammed against me, your cock driving into me in the most divine of ways. And in those final moments, as my body strained and arched, my voice ringing from the walls, I prayed for acceptance. I begged every force imaginable to give us what we needed, what we desired... and even now, cradled in your arms, freshly awoken from my very own death, I realize that we have once again defied the natural order.

Your tears are like rain on my face and I can’t help but cradle your cheek in my hand. Even as my lips tenderly caress yours, I know what’s coming... I know where this is going. It is our indulgence, our sin... but it is who we are and who we will always be. This... is our destiny.

**The End**


End file.
